Purposeful dating: To ask or not to ask?

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One of the most frequent questions that I’ve been asked by ladies in a relationship is: “Is it okay to ask a guy that I am in a relationship with, where our relationships is headed?”

My response is another question: “How much longer do you want to be uncertain about the future of a supposed relationship?”

As a Single – lady or gent, it is important to define every relationship: the goal, duration, and boundary of each relationship. And when going into a romantic relationship, it is essential to have a detailed and logical conversation – not emotional conversation – with the person you want to partner with in the relationship. Discuss what you hope to achieve with the relationship, AND the duration of the relationship. It is unwise to let the butterflies in your stomach to lead your heart and feet into a relationship. If you do so, you may catch yourself two years later in that relationship with no clarity of where the relationship is headed.

I know this might sound foreign to you. And perhaps something within you is wondering how you can admire someone, desire to date him or her, but then start the conversation with a well defined discussion about your proposed romantic relationship with them: vision, goal, boundaries and duration. Though this may sound strange and unfashionable to you, it’ll certainly save you a lot of time, energy, emotions and uncertainty.

Look at it this way. If you desire admission into a school and you find that they have no curriculum for the course you want to study, and no defined duration for that course, will you still apply for admission into the school?

You should apply this same attitude to attaching yourself to any committed relationship that is not marriage (marriage kicks off after a wedding day, in case you’re unsure).

As a young adult, you should take yourself, your time and your future seriously. If you do, you’ll not be casual about your choices and decisions, especially when it has to do with matters of the heart. This is because, whenever you are emotionally disturbed by a relationship, that unrest will spill over to every other area of your life, and ultimately affect your joy and productivity.

If you’re a responsible youth, you should never date for dating sake or just to see how it goes. Yes, the purpose of dating is to get to know someone better. However, dating should never go on indefinitely. Three months is enough to get to know someone enough to determine if you want to take a relationship further or just softpedal and back down to a casual friendship.

If you’re a Christian, you should already know that friends with benefits is a no-no, and a romantic relationship does not entail having sex or any form of impure touch or conversation, this includes kissing and any form of amorous touch.

Even if you’re an unbeliever with no regard for God, you should consider your limited life here on Earth too valuable to engage in a relationship that takes your time, drains your emotions, demands your body and has no worthwhile plan for your future.

So, before you approach a lady for a relationship (if you’re a guy), or you accept a proposal for a relationship (if you’re a lady), first sit with yourself and critically outline (with pen and paper) the following:

1. Why you should go into the relationship.

2. What you hope to achieve in the relationship.

3. The boundaries and expectations from the relationship.

4. The duration of the relationship.

After you have done this and prayed about it for God’s wisdom, direction and approval, then proceed to have a detailed discussion on these things with the lady or gent you intend to get into an intimate relationship with. Having this conversation and prayer first with yourself, will arm you with boldness, discernment and the important questions to ask the potential partner. The responses you get from him or her will help you determine early if the person is the right person to get into a serious relationship with.

If on the other hand you’re already in a relationship but you’re uncertain about the future of the relationship. Then go ahead and call yourself to a meeting and answer the questions above. Afterwards, call your partner and ask him or her the needed questions.

You should not be confused or uncertain about where your relationship is headed, or if you and your partner are on the same page. So today, receive wisdom and boldness to ask all the necessary questions. Stop being casual about your life. Be intentional always about anything and everything, especially your relationships.

Love and Wisdom,


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