Many years ago, I read a book by Rev. Humphrey Erumaka titled “Sustaining Friendships”. In the book, the author explained that he has been able to retain his valuable friendships because he learned to overlook some things by consciously remembering the entry point and benefit of each relationship, as this helps him to fight for the friendships that need to be kept. My key takeaway from the book was: never forget the entry point and benefit of a relationship even when the tides turn. And this has helped me to fight for and keep my relationships with family and friends.
As humans, it is easier to remember the wrongs done to us (even after a long time) than to remember the good done to us. It is the default nature of man to easily forget good received from God or man, and (un)consciously retain memory of wrongs (real or imagined) received from others. I have also observed that it is easier to remember and magnify the good we do or have done for others than to remember the offences we do or have done against them. It takes conscious effort, prayers and the special grace of God to do the opposite of all the above.
While thinking on this topic, it dawned on me that a lot of people don’t and can’t go far in life – this includes getting married, simply because they are quick to forget the things that ought to be remembered, and hold on to memories that should be forgotten… Memories that cause anger, sadness, strife, resentment and divisions.
One key way to sustain any good relationship is to always remember the good of the other party towards you. If you desire your intimate and casual relationships to be better and last longer, it is imperative that you keep close tab of the good/benefit received from them.
Recently, I was feeling unappreciative of some of my friends, particularly, those I felt ‘owe me’ in some way because I have done some good to/for them. The irony is, my mind failed to call to remembrance the several times they had each had my back in some way. Instead, my mind dwelt on their real and imagined offences against me. The more my mind dwelt on their real and imagined offences against me, the more I became resentful towards them and before long, this reflected in my response to their chats and calls and you guessed right – that automatically put some strain on our communication and relationship. This is what happens when we fail to remember the good of others towards us while thinking of ourselves as blameless.
When you are offended by a relative, friend, teammate, associate, colleague, church member, neighbour, etc., try to remember at least one good/benefit you have received from the person before you react. If after quality thinking you can’t remember any good they have done to or for you, then go ahead and do them some good – give them a reason to remember you for good.
David understood that man is prone to overlooking and easily forgetting benefits so he consciously told his soul to not forget.
“Praise the Lord, my soul, and forget not all his benefits” – Psalm 103:2 (NIV).
This scripture is primarily reminding us to not forget or take God’s goodness for granted. In addition to that, we should also not forget the human instruments God uses to bring us some of these benefits and goodness. Forgetting the benefits or goodness received from God and man leads to two major things:
- Ingratitude.
- Resentment.
And these two ingredients are sure to kill any good relationship. What we need are Gratitude and Appreciation for one another.
To manage and sustain your relationships, you need to learn to allow the good memories of your friendships to overshadow the not so good ones. This does not apply to an abusive relationship, please.
May God give us the wisdom and grace to manage our relationships rightly by remembering the needful and forgetting all that causes ingratitude, strife and resentments. May we not burn the bridges in our relationships or take out the oil our relationships need to flow more smoothly.
Love and Wisdom,
ChinyereDistinguished
